Studying under anaesthetic

Following the recent trend for university students to outsource coursework, a planning-shaped gap in the essay market has been identified by Cliff Hague.

Welcome to Planning Without Pain (PWP), a special service exclusively for planning students. There has never been an internet service dedicated to meeting their need for essays on demand.

Many student planners have to waste valuable time writing their own essays.

Have you tried putting "sustainable communities" into the search engine of one of our competitors? They are likely to offer you six pages about sustainable development at Shell Oil or papers in American English about nutty religious cults living as communities.

Beware. These will not get you more than a bare pass mark. If a diligent postgraduate student is doing the marking - many markers nowadays are research students - you might even fail, despite the snazzy title page and free list of references that came with the essay.

Why can your pals studying business, law or other common subjects buy their essays so cheaply on the web but you have to pay through the nose to get a special writer to do yours for you? Our own economics essay on supply and demand tells you. There are not enough planning students to make it worthwhile for the big companies to stack planning essays high on their electronic shelves. You are a niche market, and that is where PWP can help. We are the only specialist provider of essays, coursework and dissertations for planning courses.

At PWP we value our customers and we are proud to offer you exceptional service. Our planning essay search engine lets you access more than 3,000 essays from "What is a development plan?" to obscure waffle about planning theory that will even bamboozle your tutor. Our essay seeker lets you search by keyword or subject. This is a great help if you are in a last minute panic, and what planner isn't?

Essay delivery by e-mail or fax is guaranteed two hours before your deadline, so there is no need to fret trying to read it over. You party, we do your work. We offer quality and value for money. Our writers include former professors, but our prices are still competitive with mainstream providers such as Degree Essays UK and Custom Essays.

Here are some testimonials from satisfied customers: "Many thanks for the piece you wrote for me on climate change and the need to protect the environment. It went down a treat. I will definitely use you again." Dave, Kensington.

"I was so involved with my girlfriend that I just could not get my head round how the English local government system works. PWP saved me. I lost the girl, but I still finished up with a good job. Thanks for everything." John, Hull.

"As a busy mum with four youngsters and a full-time job to hold down, I just do not have the time to learn about planning as well. Your writers are the best I have encountered. They are really professional. Bless." Ruth, Bolton.

Coursework is important on a planning course. But it can often end in tears, especially if you have to work in a group. Let PWP take the strain.

We can do your input to a group project for you. Better still, check out our great deals for groups of five or more.

Whatever you need - masterplans, community participation strategies, sustainable rural tourism ideas, brownfield site regeneration or even a development control exercise - our team of professionals will do it for you. Why let ignorance or idleness stop you getting the professional qualification and good job that you have paid for with your tuition fees?

Student life is full of emergencies that take up so much time. The car breaks down. Someone you know back home is having a stag or hen party.

The pizza parlour asks you to work overtime because somebody is off sick.

There are no Pot Noodles left in the flat and it is your turn to do the shopping. Your girlfriend or boyfriend is having a mega-sulk because you overfed the goldfish and it died.

You have arranged to spend the summer in Ibiza but your tutor says that you will have to come back to resit exams in August. They charge fees, but universities have still not learned how to be customer-friendly. We are different. For our fees, which can be as low as £9 a page, we guarantee you the grades you want.

We understand our customers, so we know that not everyone wants to get good marks. Many lads fear that they will be shunned if they betray signs of ability. What good are straight As if they make you a Norman no-mates?

That is why PWP lets you choose the grade of essay you want. Our "normal 2:1" is our best seller, but the "cool loafer/just about a 2.2" is increasingly popular. Executive club members can purchase from our first-class or masters with distinction catalogue.

Exclusively to readers of Planning, here is a sample of what we offer.

The essay question is: "Planning is often accused of imposing costs that undermine business competitiveness. How might planning be reformed to tackle this weakness without sacrificing the other benefits that it brings?" Here is the opening of our "brainbuster" first-class essay:

"There is an irony in the Treasury's angst-ridden perception that the English planning system is undermining competitiveness in an age of increasing globalisation. The heavy briefing that accompanied the publication of the interim report of the review of land-use planning (Barker, 2006) cranked out Whitehall's stale, parochial recipes of the past 25 years about speed, efficiency and flexibility.

This essay will acknowledge and critically address these purported remedies, before turning to analyse what can be learned from the way that planning instruments and policies operate in the economic heartlands of a major global competitor, the USA.

An institutionalist analysis will be employed to unpick 'mental models' and 'organisational forms' (see Jenkins and Smith, 2001) from the diverse experiences of regulation practices revealed by the survey of the 50 largest US metropolitan areas by Pendall, Puentes and Martin (2006) for the Brookings Institute.

Developing from this catalytic fusion of theory and evidence, the case will be made that a further dose of statutory reform carries a double inevitability - it will be attempted and it will fail. Instead, decentralisation and innovation is advocated in city-regions through experiments with US approaches such as growth management and infrastructure regulation."

Alternatively, the "cool loafer" version starts like this: "Since it emerged way back in the mists of time, planning has been accused of imposing costs that undermine businesses competitiveness. The question is how might it be reformed? Being as how this complaint has been around a long time and clever people like Lord Treasury - who was called Gordon Brown before he became Lord Treasury, although some still call him Gordon Brown - do not know what to do about it, it is not going to be easy to come up with an answer, is it? Who knows how it might be reformed? Only time will tell."

The first 100 customers will each receive a free "I don't need no brain, I'm Planning Without Pain" baseball cap.

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